I awaken in the night, on the left-hand side of the bed. Somebody familiar is sleeping on the other side. Under the light of the bedside lamp, I notice that near the edge of the bed, at about my midsection, there is a hole in the mattress, which appears to have been chewed through by rats or something. I can see down into the inside of the mattress, which is hollow inside, through the hole. It seems to be getting longer almost as I watch, so that it's like a foot-long tear, and I can see inside there are a whole bunch of rat turds.

It's not really in my way, so I figure I'll go to sleep and deal with it in the morning. But when I try to curl back up in bed, I notice that there are a lot of other poops in the bed. The top surface of the bed has large ridges, and not only are their rat pellets, but a number of other kinds as well, like donkey and horse poops. It's all dry, but rather uncomfortable to lie on, and I am (um, appropriately) horrified and not sure I can go back to sleep.

So I start writing a card, as if a note to the doctor, that humorously says "well I've never seen a goose-moose-rat-horse-etc... that poops like a donkey-rat-horse-etc... in my bed."