I've been drafted into the military. It's like a job, where I have to work a shift every night. All my plans have to change around it. But not only do I have no choice, it's apparent that I have to defend my country. I get my hair cut, shaved all the way from shaggy down to peach fuzz. It looks pretty interesting when it's half-done, and the shaved part has some clipper tracks that need to be cleaned up.

It's not clear what my job is, but it's on an aircraft carrier which is constantly being bombed by airplanes flying over. Nobody shoots them down or anything, we just try not to get hit by the bombs. Usually it's fairly easy to do, but sometimes you get surprised.

I ask an experienced soldier about it, and he says that they usually fly over three or four times a minute. Sounds like a long and dangerous shift, and I wonder whether I will make it home alive. Apparently most soldiers do, but a few die honorably for the country.

I thought the Navy would be the safest since Iraq apparently has no Navy, but now I'm thinking I should have chosen the Air Force. It seems safer, since (contrary to evidence) Iraq has no airplanes, and besides, I'd get to fly.